Monday, April 30, 2007

The J Stories: Hopeful

I was crying while inside the bus bound for Pangasinan.  I was crying because this is the first time I travelled alone. I was crying because I was too nervous and worried.  I didn’t know what to expect.  Will his family like me? Will I be out of place? Will I visit and just leave, or will I stay? I really don’t know.

 The six-hour travel went on smoothly, and in about 3’oclock in the afternoon, I reached their town.  It was lucky that he answered my messages that day.  I had no one to ask but him for directions.  And although it was hard for him, he made sure he waited for me to the drop-off point.  When I get off the bus, I saw him standing there wearing his green jersey and a short.  He had a bandage in his head, and bruises in his arms and legs.  I was teary-eyed when I asked him how he is. I kissed him and hugged him and I had nothing to say but “Are you okay?”  I wish he is. There are still a lot of things that I want to ask, but I deferred it and saved them for later.

While in the tricycle going to his house, I held his hand and that’s when I felt that I was ready to forgive him even if he doesn’t ask for it.  I was just too happy to be with him that day.

Meeting his family for the first time gave a jittery feeling like I never felt before.  The first ones to greet me were the kids, his nieces and nephews.  Somehow, they helped relieved my uneasiness.  I instantly felt I was liked and loved, at least by the kids.  Then, I met his mother whom he called “Inang”.  I kissed her hand and said hello.  She smiled at me and somehow acknowledged my presence.  She didn’t understand me for she speaks a different dialect, but I knew that she was happy to see me.  He then introduced me to his sisters and brothers.  I couldn’t really talk much because I do not know what to say.  I was kind of feeling if I can converse them and if ever if there is one topic which we could talk about.

We sat in the living room, and while I was talking to Jay, one of his nieces, whom I have met while in Manila, came to me and gave me the sweetest hug as if she’s telling me to hold on and to stay.  I didn’t quite understood it until she told me “Tita, sana ikaw na lang talaga”. That was the time when I knew that they didn’t approve of his ex-girlfriend.

My supposedly one-day visit extended to three days.  I thought that he would be ready to come with me after I came over. I don’t know but I really have this fear that if I go back without him, it’s going to be over for us. No matter how hard I insisted, he didn’t go. I had to travel back to Manila alone.  I know I did not fulfill my goal of going there, I never got him to come with me, but still I was happy.  I was able to take care of him even for a while, to see if he is okay, and to somehow give him the impression that we are still okay.  But when I left, I still had a broken heart; my heart was still heavy.  Somehow I felt that it’s going to be the end, and I should start accepting the fact that I could no longer work my ways for him.  I can no longer compel him to love me…to be with me.

Friday, April 13, 2007

The J Stories: Accidentally, Something Needs To Be Fixed

Summer of 2007

I know that there is already something wrong with us.  Although I am still uncertain of what really is keeping us from being like what we used to, I still held on and believed that our relationship is worth fighting for.  We were having problems, fights would always ensue between us, but I still thought at that time that it was normal because couples do fight, right?  I thought that those clashes would eventually keep us stronger because we would find out each other’s weaknesses and strengths, and maybe, the love for each other would blossom even more because of our imperfections.  But I guess, I was again, assuming (for the nth time).

It was summer, and I know we wouldn’t be together and that’s alright. That has always been the case, I stay with my family in the south, and he stays with his, in the north.  For three years, it was always like that especially on special occasions and holidays, and I got used to it already.

I am not really the type of person who involves other people in our relationship.  I guess that was a wrong move because I let my world turn around him, in the same way that I wanted his to turn into mine.  Maybe that is the reason why it was hard for me to get in touch with his family because we never really get to bond at all.  But that week, I had no choice but to ask her sister through a text message because he was no longer answering my calls, nor replying my messages.  I had no idea why that’s why I thought that her sister could enlighten me of what is really happening to him.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting any reply since I know we were not that close, but surprisingly, she did.  But her message said: "I am driving, I'll bring Jay to the hospital, he met an accident".  It felt like I had a heart that is rapidly beating, it was too fast, I was so nervous I can no longer breathe normally.  I was crying inside, if only I could fly up to the North just to reach him in no time, if only I could make the clock turn faster, I would do them, but I just can't.

I can't because at that time I was too far away, plus I was with my family, and I couldn't just leave them. And one more thing, they would not allow me to travel alone, to somewhere I have never been to, to somewhere too far.  My parents are not that strict, in fact they have always been supportive of me.  I know that when I tell them my reasons, they would understand. They have found me independent but I know they care about my safety and security all the time.  One thing that bothers me is that that they have not really met my boyfriend in person (because he refused to meet them, he always said he wasn't ready) and so they wouldn't know what to expect at all if they let me go there alone.

My sister and mother were so concerned that they were asking how he is, but I was saddened because I do not know what to tell them.  Even I do not have any idea what really happened.  I called up his sister, I sent messages, but I got no reply.  I really did not think they are preventing me from talking to him, I just thought that maybe they are too busy taking care of him and making sure he is okay.  Maybe they are still in shock of what happened, just like I was.

Later on, I found out that the reason he wasn't replying, not returning my calls, is because he was too busy in his drinking sessions with his friends.  That was too lame excuse and too shallow to even think about.  I wanted to find out the deeper reason, but then, the unfortunate event happened and I never had the chance to ask.  They told me that he was driving too fast to get another case of liquor when the vehicle he was riding crashed into another vehicle. And he fell off a bridge, that's where the rescuers found him half-dead.

At that moment, it seemed that all my anger for him just faded away.  All the doubts, the pains, and the hurts just drifted away just like that because the thought that I should be there on his side at that very moment is consuming me.  And because I couldn't be there, the more that I felt the guilt that I cannot perform the responsibility of being his partner.

The moment my family and I got back to Manila, I wasted no time in finding out how I can rush to his place even it meant travelling alone, and taking risks, not really knowing what to expect.  It even came to a point that I had to lie to my parents and invent a lot of excuses (like there was an out of town teambuilding, or work to be done) so as I could leave the soonest. But I just lied because I don't want them to worry or think about anything else.  I know I had to go because I wanted see him, I want to find out what really happened, I wanted to be there for him, and most of all, I want to fix whatever it is that there is to be fixed in our relationship…