Monday, April 30, 2007

The J Stories: Hopeful

I was crying while inside the bus bound for Pangasinan.  I was crying because this is the first time I travelled alone. I was crying because I was too nervous and worried.  I didn’t know what to expect.  Will his family like me? Will I be out of place? Will I visit and just leave, or will I stay? I really don’t know.

 The six-hour travel went on smoothly, and in about 3’oclock in the afternoon, I reached their town.  It was lucky that he answered my messages that day.  I had no one to ask but him for directions.  And although it was hard for him, he made sure he waited for me to the drop-off point.  When I get off the bus, I saw him standing there wearing his green jersey and a short.  He had a bandage in his head, and bruises in his arms and legs.  I was teary-eyed when I asked him how he is. I kissed him and hugged him and I had nothing to say but “Are you okay?”  I wish he is. There are still a lot of things that I want to ask, but I deferred it and saved them for later.

While in the tricycle going to his house, I held his hand and that’s when I felt that I was ready to forgive him even if he doesn’t ask for it.  I was just too happy to be with him that day.

Meeting his family for the first time gave a jittery feeling like I never felt before.  The first ones to greet me were the kids, his nieces and nephews.  Somehow, they helped relieved my uneasiness.  I instantly felt I was liked and loved, at least by the kids.  Then, I met his mother whom he called “Inang”.  I kissed her hand and said hello.  She smiled at me and somehow acknowledged my presence.  She didn’t understand me for she speaks a different dialect, but I knew that she was happy to see me.  He then introduced me to his sisters and brothers.  I couldn’t really talk much because I do not know what to say.  I was kind of feeling if I can converse them and if ever if there is one topic which we could talk about.

We sat in the living room, and while I was talking to Jay, one of his nieces, whom I have met while in Manila, came to me and gave me the sweetest hug as if she’s telling me to hold on and to stay.  I didn’t quite understood it until she told me “Tita, sana ikaw na lang talaga”. That was the time when I knew that they didn’t approve of his ex-girlfriend.

My supposedly one-day visit extended to three days.  I thought that he would be ready to come with me after I came over. I don’t know but I really have this fear that if I go back without him, it’s going to be over for us. No matter how hard I insisted, he didn’t go. I had to travel back to Manila alone.  I know I did not fulfill my goal of going there, I never got him to come with me, but still I was happy.  I was able to take care of him even for a while, to see if he is okay, and to somehow give him the impression that we are still okay.  But when I left, I still had a broken heart; my heart was still heavy.  Somehow I felt that it’s going to be the end, and I should start accepting the fact that I could no longer work my ways for him.  I can no longer compel him to love me…to be with me.