even if I AM SINGLE!

I haven't felt more pressured in my life until now.

When I open my social networking pages, I would see people (batchmate, officemates, childhood friends) with their kids, or their special someone in their profile pictures.

Also, I would receive countless wedding, baptismal, and birthday invitations from different sets of friends, and I would wonder? When will I have them? When will I get to experience the joy of being with someone, of walking down the aisle, or having a child of my own?

Sometimes, it just makes me feel sad and I admit, it's kinda depressing also. I kept asking, what's wrong. Is it me? Is it the way I speak, the way I look? What could possibly be the reason why I am still alone?  I kept searching, and in searching, I found an old friend.  She is happily married and with  two kids.  Just like me, she also experienced the kind of waiting, the kind of feeling I have now.

She sent me this note which to me, looked like a note from God.  I just felt that it was written for me:

Dear Purple,

     Everyone longs to give himself / herself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another - to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.   But I say to you: "Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone -- with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me: with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found - will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me - exclusive of anyone of anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.  I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing - one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the 

greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that 

I am.  

Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. You just have to wait, that's all! 

Don't be anxious. Don't worry.  Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given  them. Don't look around at the things you think you want. You just 

keep looking at Me, or you will miss what I want to show you.  

And then, when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you would dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready - (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time) - until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me, and the life prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love. What I offer you is Myself.  Know that I love you utterly. I am God.  Believe it and be satisfied."

                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                         - God

and then I realized....

waiting is not so hard to do after all. There are so many things that I can do while waiting like seeking God, enjoying life as it is now, and just be happy, even if I AM SINGLE!

inspired

masarap magbago lalo na sa ikabubuti mo at sa ikakasiya ng ibang tao.

break muna

Hindi pa rin ako natutulog hanggang ngayon kahit pa nga alas dos na ng madaling araw. Eto ako ngayon nakaharap pa rin sa computer, pagod na yata ang utak at mata ko kakaisip at kakatingin kung anu ba ang dapat ko talagang isulat…ano ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin at pagplanuhan sa mga susunod na araw, buwan o taon pa?  Ang hirap ng ganito….binigyan ako ng takdang oras para tapusin ang isang bagay na kailangan ko pang alamin at pag-aralan. Hay! Magagawa ko kaya iyon sa loob ng bente kuwatro oras??? Kung pwede ko lamang itigil ang orasan sa pag-ikot, kung pwede ko lang hilahin ang gabi para maging araw, at kung pwede ko lang pigilan ang araw sa pagsikat maya-mayang konti eh gagawin ko talaga mabigyang oras lamang ito. Matapos ko lamang… hay! Bakit ba naman kasi ngayong araw pa nangyari lahat ng ito? Eh di sana nga nakapag-isip na ako at nakatapos kung anuman nga ang dapat kong gawin.

Hanggang ngayon nga nananakit pa ang aking paa sa mahigit na isang oras na pagtayo habang nag-aabang ng bus na masasakyan… Eh maliban sa pagtaas ng pamasahe, at bahagyang pag-iistrike ng mga sasakyan, eh may sunog pa sa may bandang Pasay.  Anu kaya ang dahilan at nangyayari lahat ng ito? Hay… kelangan ko ba talaga silang isipin? Kelangan ba talaga akong maapektuhan? Bakit kasi ganun ang mga nagaganap? Ewan ko ba…ewan ko talaga….ang alam ko lang….may kailangan akong tapusin,,,,kailangan kong gawin, kailangan kong isipin.

Kailangan ko na ngang balikan ang aking programang dinidisenyo, kailangan ko nang pag-isipang mabuti ang lahat.  Sa loob ng maikling panahon..hmmm,… mga tatlong oras pa, ay kailangan ko na nga na tapusin ito….dahil bukas….bukas pagpasok ko....hay ipapasa at gagawin na ito….

preso #2

sana walang gapos ang mga kamay at paa, 

walang piring ang mga mata, 

walang busal ang bibig, 

marinig sana ang tinig, 

wala sanang takip ang tenga, 

...marinig sana ang musika, 

wala sanang pinid ang pinto,

bintana sana'y hindi nakapako

. ....sana!

defensive

...nakakapagod na umintindi sa mga taong makikitid ang utak. Kahit anong gawin mo, may kulang ka pa rin,kahit anong pilit mo, mali ka pa rin.

Ang dedefensive lang eh, akala nila perpekto sila. Pwedeng mas mataas lang  kayo sa'kin, pero sinasabi ko sa inyo, sa height lang kayo lamang dahil hindi ako magpapatalo at susuko! Nagpapakabait na ako pero nakakapikon kasi eh, kaya nga tayo iba't-iba ng role di ba? kung pwede lang sabihin na "OH E DI IKAW NA DITO, PALIT TAYO ONE TIME LANG"!
___________________________________________________________________________________________

This was suppose to be a status message in my facebook account, but since it says that status messages are limited to 420 characters only, I opted to write this as a blog instead.
forgive me if this doesn't look or sound good to you. I just wanted to make everything spontaneous.  This is what happened, and this is what I feel. This is me!

A phone call woke me up today. It was a call from a student who is seeking for my rescue.  She was too confused that she actually didn't know what to do or what to answer. She doesn't know what to do.  Apparently a teacher from her department told her that she needed detailed information about the project i allegedly disapproved. 

and then I opened my mail, and got another complaint letter apparently of the many mistakes we have been doing in performing our jobs. I mean, is that that easy? Can you tell me I am wrong just because you didn't get what you wanted?

Hays... (sigh) Why are people used to assuming things?  Submission doesn't always mean approval.  Just like in life, right? It doesn't mean that when you want something, you can easily get it.  It doesn't mean that you made all efforts to do something, you can already compel people to believe in you or to heed to your demands.

I am not making their lives miserable.  All I am asking is that, they must learn to value my role as I value theirs.  We were not put here for the name's sake only.  We have different roles to play, and we all deserve to be respected.  I am not asking for too much. i am not demanding that they bend their knees before me just to get my approval, all I am asking is that for them to learn that we are all important. We can all work things out if they just won't be defensive, If they would just listen and ask for details first.

I just hope they won't be immediately defensive. There is no aggression yet!

kung alam mo lang...

Kung alam mo lang na nanggaling din ako diyan

Kung alam mo lang na ilang beses din akong nasaktan

Kung alam mo lang ilang baldeng luha din ang aking nailuha bago ako napatahan

Kung alam mo lang ilang beses din halos ang buhay ay gustong wakasan

Kung alam mo lang naramdaman ko rin lahat ‘yan

Kung alam mo lang umibig din ako at iniwan

Kung alam mo lang…….kung alam mo lang…

puso

tumitibok-tibok na ang puso
wait...saglit...stop! hinto!
tumatalon-talon na sa saya at kaba
hindi yan, umiibig ka? hindi pa!

kumakaba-kaba at kinikilig-kilig
hay naku puso, wag kang maligalig.
nagmamahal, nag-aalala ka na
pigilan mo muna hangga't handa na

muli nang gumagana ang tulog na puso
takot lang naman akong ika'y mabigo
pamamahinga ngayo'y tapos na...
kung ganun sige, papayagan kita.

salamat puso, pumapalakpak
basta't paganahin ako pati na ang utak
ang pagmamahal muling makakamit
bubuuin ang puso...sa tamis at pait.