desisyon!

Sobra akong naguguluhan ngayon kaya hindi ko maiwasang isulat ito.  Kagaya ng nasabi ko sa description ng blog na ito, gusto kong magsulat, gusto kong magpahayag.  Maaring sa lahat ng mga sinasabi ko, ang iba ay kataas taas ng kilay, ang iba naman maaraing sumang-ayon sa akin. Pero ganunpaman, hindi na iyon mahalaga, amg importante kasi akin ito...pakiramdam ko, pag-iisip ko, opinyon ko, damdamin ko!

Mahirap dahil muli akong naguguluhan. Bihira na mangyari sa akin ang pagkakataon na ito, hindi ko nga inasahan, pero eto, andito na naman. Akala ko malinaw na ang lahat, akala ko handa na akong iwan sa nakaraan ang mga kaguluhan na aking napagdaanan. Akala ko rin mas malakas na ako at mas matapang harapin ang mga bagay bagay lalu na kung patungkol naman ito sa akin. Pero bakit ganun? Nagtatalo na naman ang puso at isipan ko.  Sa panahong lubos na kinakailangan ang pasensha, konsentrasyon, pag-iisip ng malalim.....pag-unawa, at pagmamahal.

Sa ngayon,, nakakaramdam ako muli ng pagkabalisa dahil hindi ko matanto ang tama at ang mali.  Hindi ko maiwasang isipin ang mga ibang tao at ang mga iisipin din nila.  Minsan, hindi ko na maharap ang sarili kong kaligayahan dahil hindi ako sigurado kung ikakasiya din nila ito.  Naisip ko naman, bakit hindi ko gawin ang gusto ng puso ko, anu bang mawawala? Anu  bang nakakahiya sa pag-gawa ng sa tingin mo ay makakapagpasaya sa iyo, tama man o mali ito?

Hay, hindi ko pa rin alam, umaayon ata pati ang pagsusulat ko sa pagkalito ng aking puso at isip.  Naaapektuhan pati ang pagsulat ko. Ilang sandali na lang, kailangan ko nang magdesisyon. Ilang sandali na lang...

...makalipas ang isang buwan

          Mahigit isang buwan na ang nakakalipas mula nang mawala ka ngunit ang puso ko ay balot pa rin ng lumbay.  Kahit na tanggap na ng aking isipan ang iyong paglisan, para bang hindi pa talaga handa ang puso kong magpaalam.  May mga ilang gabi pa rin akong lumuluha, naaalala kita, lalung-lalo na kapag ang larawan mo ay aking tinititigan.  Hanggang ngayon, pinupuno ko pa rin ng pagtatakip at pagbabalatkayo ang katotohanang hindi mo na ako mababalikan.

           Masakit para sa akin na wala na akong magawang paraan para makasama ka pa.  Kahit minsan lang, kahit isang saglit, kahit isang ulit na lang.  Wala na akong maiiyakan sa tuwing may mabigat akong pagdadaanan, wala na ring kasabay sa tuwinang may pagtatawanan, wala na rin akong mapagsasabihan at makakakuwentuhan sa bawat hinanakit, saya, dusa, o di kaya naman ay pag-ibig na aking mararanasan.

           

Wala ka na nga pala, talagang hanggang doon na lang :(

ngiti

bakit ganun?

kung kelan naman kakasabi ko lang na okey na okey ako sa kalagayan ko ngayon, eto na naman, may susulpot namang pangyayari...hay!

hindi ko masabi kung maganda ba o hindi ito, pero ang alam ko lang, nakakalito, nakakasuya, nakakainis, nakakamiss, nakakapanghinayang.....

...pero may ngiti na muli ang aking mga labi.

bakit kaya?

The Unread Letter (A Letter for 3000 Angels)

Dear Angel,

      It’s not everyday that I get to thank God for all the blessings I have been receiving from Him and I realized that this is a good time.
     When I met you, I know that you are that one person that God sent me in order to appreciate my life more… the life that I chose to live, a life that I simply took own control of.  I chose to believe in what felt good and convenient for me, the life that I thought was God’s will.  I took it out of my own understanding, I boasted about it because I simply thought that I can do it alone.  I am strong and I can manage!  
     But when I was giving up, you were there.  When I was beginning to rise up, you had your share of falls and downsides which gave me a feeling that I belong, that I am needed, that I am important no matter how unworthy I feel and saw myself then.  You gave me all that.
     Never a single day that I forgot about the moment when we opened up and begin to share God’s love. I can still remember the shoulder you gave me when I had to shed tears then.  You were a friend…you still are.  And now that I am finally getting through the pains and scars of the past, I find myself invited by the thoughts of you. If I wasn’t there, I am sorry. For a number of callings and a couple of minutes to talk  and I wasn't available, forgive me. But I always think of you... just like now.
     I know and I feel that there is one person who continues to pray for me ------and that is you.  Now I am relieved because I found my missing self again.  I am ready to take on and face the world that I left.  
     I’ll meet you sometime, probably share a cup of coffee and talk about things like we used to.  And hey, I’ll be joining a prayer group again so I can bring back my old self.     I will continuously pray for the both of us so we may find the peace that I know we both need.
     God bless! I miss you my angel!

                                                                                                                            - Lain

even if I AM SINGLE!

I haven't felt more pressured in my life until now.

When I open my social networking pages, I would see people (batchmate, officemates, childhood friends) with their kids, or their special someone in their profile pictures.

Also, I would receive countless wedding, baptismal, and birthday invitations from different sets of friends, and I would wonder? When will I have them? When will I get to experience the joy of being with someone, of walking down the aisle, or having a child of my own?

Sometimes, it just makes me feel sad and I admit, it's kinda depressing also. I kept asking, what's wrong. Is it me? Is it the way I speak, the way I look? What could possibly be the reason why I am still alone?  I kept searching, and in searching, I found an old friend.  She is happily married and with  two kids.  Just like me, she also experienced the kind of waiting, the kind of feeling I have now.

She sent me this note which to me, looked like a note from God.  I just felt that it was written for me:

Dear Purple,

     Everyone longs to give himself / herself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another - to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.   But I say to you: "Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone -- with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me: with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found - will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me - exclusive of anyone of anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.  I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing - one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the 

greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that 

I am.  

Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. You just have to wait, that's all! 

Don't be anxious. Don't worry.  Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given  them. Don't look around at the things you think you want. You just 

keep looking at Me, or you will miss what I want to show you.  

And then, when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you would dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready - (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time) - until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me, and the life prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love. What I offer you is Myself.  Know that I love you utterly. I am God.  Believe it and be satisfied."

                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                         - God

and then I realized....

waiting is not so hard to do after all. There are so many things that I can do while waiting like seeking God, enjoying life as it is now, and just be happy, even if I AM SINGLE!

inspired

masarap magbago lalo na sa ikabubuti mo at sa ikakasiya ng ibang tao.

break muna

Hindi pa rin ako natutulog hanggang ngayon kahit pa nga alas dos na ng madaling araw. Eto ako ngayon nakaharap pa rin sa computer, pagod na yata ang utak at mata ko kakaisip at kakatingin kung anu ba ang dapat ko talagang isulat…ano ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin at pagplanuhan sa mga susunod na araw, buwan o taon pa?  Ang hirap ng ganito….binigyan ako ng takdang oras para tapusin ang isang bagay na kailangan ko pang alamin at pag-aralan. Hay! Magagawa ko kaya iyon sa loob ng bente kuwatro oras??? Kung pwede ko lamang itigil ang orasan sa pag-ikot, kung pwede ko lang hilahin ang gabi para maging araw, at kung pwede ko lang pigilan ang araw sa pagsikat maya-mayang konti eh gagawin ko talaga mabigyang oras lamang ito. Matapos ko lamang… hay! Bakit ba naman kasi ngayong araw pa nangyari lahat ng ito? Eh di sana nga nakapag-isip na ako at nakatapos kung anuman nga ang dapat kong gawin.

Hanggang ngayon nga nananakit pa ang aking paa sa mahigit na isang oras na pagtayo habang nag-aabang ng bus na masasakyan… Eh maliban sa pagtaas ng pamasahe, at bahagyang pag-iistrike ng mga sasakyan, eh may sunog pa sa may bandang Pasay.  Anu kaya ang dahilan at nangyayari lahat ng ito? Hay… kelangan ko ba talaga silang isipin? Kelangan ba talaga akong maapektuhan? Bakit kasi ganun ang mga nagaganap? Ewan ko ba…ewan ko talaga….ang alam ko lang….may kailangan akong tapusin,,,,kailangan kong gawin, kailangan kong isipin.

Kailangan ko na ngang balikan ang aking programang dinidisenyo, kailangan ko nang pag-isipang mabuti ang lahat.  Sa loob ng maikling panahon..hmmm,… mga tatlong oras pa, ay kailangan ko na nga na tapusin ito….dahil bukas….bukas pagpasok ko....hay ipapasa at gagawin na ito….